It means, the difficulty in expressing your emotions and feelings. Believe me, I never knew such word existed. Jutaan terima kasih kepada tumblr yang seringkali memberi maklumat yang kerap jarang didengari.
I am writing again after a long hiatus.
Anyways, I am sitting on bed as I am writing this post. I believe if you're laying while writing, the possibilities for you to commit a crime in the grammatical area is probably high. Why?
Begini ya rakan- rakan sekalian, through researched; there's a humongous amount of advantages in sitting straight while studying, sitting straight while eating, sitting straight while doing anything. And this is also applicable when you're standing. With a correct posture, an adequate amount of oxygen would be supplied to your brain, and digestion would take place properly, while you're eating. So, kalau baring2 sambil tulis, mungkin threshold level oxygen tak sampai dekat otak, thus grammar suicidal. But this is not the reason why am I writing again.
We've started our clinical years, and our days were spent at wards clerking patients, history taking, bedside classes with doctors and etc. Owh well. I always thought that doctors would be the person who would understand their patients the most. But apparently, these past few days, I found that we were taught on how to act in front of our patient. I mean, let just say that you have to be a real good actor for you to become a good doctor. Why? Specific facial expression, use of language tone of voice, a specific amount of empathy was needed to be given in order to make the patient believe you. But, somehow, when you were taught how to act and etc, those things aren't natural anymore. The 'want' to help someone should be sincere, no? Oh. and one more thing. Now I realized why doctors nowadays can be so emotionless. They are exposed to deaths everyday. They are exposed to patients with different complaints and problems every single hour. In the end, somehow, without they realizing it, these patients would be just one of their subjects that is needed to be treated. Empathy, sympathy? Screw it, those would be toss away, forgotten. Why I'm telling you this? I just feel like it.
and I feel, I am showing less and less concern to the people that I care.
Not that I am not trying to, I just don't know how to. The fear of rejection maybe?
I just don't have the guts to show that I care about a person deeply. Instead of asking 'how are you?' the subjects that I bring up would all be self-centered related. I am not surprised if the person that I care about would run away, screaming, because I am this person with a rollercoaster of emotions, and yikes, I think I need help.
Do you know when there's that moment when, you feel, life would be better when you're all alone? Marriage would be scary because you're judging it through other experiences? Love is painful when you have to end it? Having to experience love all over again is nerve wrecking because you know it would end someway somehow? Commitment is a burden? these negativeness are a killer. You know you have to be positive, B-E positive, but surely you would have your moments. Mesti punyala. and I am stuck with this situation, where I am afraid to show that I care about a person. In the end, the only way for me to protect myself from hurting is to pretend like I don't care (don't ask me why). In the end, I can just make dua that the person that I love would be protected by him, the almighty, insyaAllah.
But I'm trying. Can't you see?
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